Dear Yoder Amish Academy Families:
As of Monday, the use of all “TikToks” will be strictly prohibited on/near learning grounds, due to recent safety concerns reported by an archived city folk newspaper.
Furthermore, “rollerblades” (feet buggies), PG-13 tall tales, and revealing turtlenecks will also be prohibited upon the passing of tonight’s dusk. If one feels the need to indulge in such activities, one should feel free to take a hard look at oneself in the puddle near Old Winslow’s Shame Dune.
Again, for your personal records, “TikToks,” “rollerblades,” PG-13 tall tales, revealing turtlenecks, “zippers” (devil’s ladders), “contact lenses” (peeper pieces), the name “Lance,” twin witchcraft and filtered water are all officially forbidden.
To receive emergency updates on other pending evils, please feel free to hang a steel bucket near your barn maiden’s bathing well each evening. If Yoder Academy chooses to pursue any further prohibitions, Mysterious Joe will crutch through the village at moon’s landing and leave an announcement bead in each bucket. Upon retrieval, please feel free to swarm the school’s varsity tilling field, where a faculty crier will emerge from a bale of hay and announce each new policy by torchlight.
Additional suggestions for the list of evils can be sent to:
Director, Midwest Regional Morality Hoop
Founder, Yoder Recreational Ditch
Teacher, Common Milkweeds
1 Eyeless Owl Rd.
Wheatgerm Proper, IN 00000
Father Walworth Elias Tate