Misguided Gifts for the 2020 Grad

The times may be unprecedented, but your gift can still be lackluster.

Image for post
Image for post

A bulk order of lukewarm mostaccioli

A party may not be in the cards for your grad, but you can still capture the spirit of a catering order. Find a lasagna recipe, multiply it by 30 and advise your grad to leave it out in the sun for 4–6 hours. *Best served near an above-ground pool.

A ticket to your high school Zoom reunion

Your grad might have missed the chance to say goodbye to their classmates, but they still can say hello to yours. Invite him to your next virtual gathering and be sure to ask: Did things seem tense between Pete and Eileen or was it just a bad connection?

15 lbs of scratched R.E.M. CDs

You’ve done great work with your boredom-induced binge cleaning and your grad ought to reap the benefits. Drop off a bag of used CDs and include some personal liner notes. Remember Eileen? you might write. She broke up with me while we were listening to “Nightswimming” in my dad’s sedan.

An emotionally distant body pillow

Your grad will likely long for the thrill of a summer romance, so let them know you care by recreating a deeply unfulfilling fling. Customize a pillow with loose eyelashes, body spray and an embroidered phrase across the back. Need some guidance? Go with “I’m not mad, I’m just tired.”

A severe bed bug infestation

Some comforts of a dorm can’t be replicated: the disintegrating grout, the lingering smell of chicken broth, the mysterious wall stain. The chill of an uncertain mattress, however, is still attainable in the outside world. Use code GRAD for 20% off your first FleaBoyz order.

100 deflated balloons (Shipping: December 09)

The nice thing about a grad is that they’ll always be a grad. Limited generosity has no expiration date. Build some unnecessary anticipation. Remember: It’s never too late to celebrate.

Writer, Reader, Animorph

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store